Eagle Wings disAbility Ministries: 04/14/08

This is a picture of our daughter Kayla Christine Holdaway,

April 14, 1992-September 28, 2003

Is April 14th really a day to Celebrate? I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I'm torn. On the outside the world wants to see how I've conquered the pain and hurt I feel from leaving behind a world I once knew. A world of medical tests and iv's. There was some comfort there, I had been placed there by God. He gave this gift to me and I loved her. Every minute. It never mattered whether I was cleaning up vomit or learning how to be more forthright with education of those with special needs. She had a special way of handling it and she was our teacher and example. But I miss those days. Days that meant more than just being together but really understanding what is important. We'd have an issue in our home, and the moment she'd be sick, it all went away. Nothing mattered except what we had been called by God to do...that is...love. I do miss those days, even though they were difficult. I can still hear her calling just beyond my doorway, "Momma, can you come take my mask off?" The alarm of the oxygen, with it's tubing taped across the floor, waking us as another breath has been missed, or the alarm of the feeding pump expressing the empty bag. She was amazing and through all of this she was a messenger of truth, courage, and above all, here to glorify God. She knew it. I just wasn't ready to let her go. Yet, THY will be done. Not mine.

April 14th in our house still isn't better. It was BOTH of our girls birthdays. Recently I wrote a letter to our readers sharing how wonderful that day is in our home, but that's only 1/2 the truth. For any of you who have experienced the excruciating pain of the loss of a child, you know that those holidays don't just turn into something magical. And for us, with Cassie, it's still difficult. We put on our smiles, but the honest truth is that we miss her. I pray in the years to come thas day transforms into something sweet, but for now, in all honesty, it's painful. We're still not sure how to make it 'better'.

I don't intend to decieve those who truly care about the work I do, but as for moving on and just forgetting what lies behind, I cannot. The pain is just too deep. We Celebrate for what IS, the gift that remains, our beloved daughter Cassandra and forge ahead to the work that awaits. Changed all the more for His glory, remembering what He has done and what He continues to do.